Posted by Adam Ruth on Wed, Sep 08, 2010
Photo by Don Hankins
We all know that malware is evil, but like most evil things there are some valid uses for them (that's true, right? Evil things can have uses, even in a Time Bandits sort of way? I thought so.)
Well, in case you don't believe me, here are the top 10 uses for malware that don't require you to be evil.
10. As a little present for the Nigerian 419 scammers when you send them your computer password so they can get your bank account numbers.
9. Any prank involving that guy from sales who keeps making fun of your tradeshow t-shirts.
8. Keyboard logging on your dad's computer so you can see what he typed right before "it broke and I swear I didn't change anything!"
7. Creating an unscheduled downtime emergency to get excused from a boring meeting.
6. Watching for references to computers on Hollywood scriptwriting computers and making the necessary changes so that the plot is somewhat in touch with reality.
5. Infecting the BIOS of your uncle's 12 year old Packard Bell computer so you can finally convince him that it's time to upgrade.
4. Making OS X feel more familiar to Windows users.
3. Showing up that obnoxious jerk at the class reunion by taking over the slide projector and showing Photoshopped pictures of him in his underwear.
2. Shutting down a real estate developer's computers to prevent the destruction of a building housing a rag-tag group of lovable orphans.
1. Defcon groupies.
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Posted by Adam Ruth on Fri, Jul 30, 2010
I've been recently catching up on watching Red vs. Blue which is a web video series created by a company called Rooster Teeth. If you're already familiar with the show, then you can skip all of this. Otherwise, you're in for a treat.
Red vs. Blue is a comedy series set in the world of Microsoft's Halo video game. The footage is all from within the game itself, with conversations between characters as they get into various predicaments. The basic premise of the show is a satirical look at these types of first-person shooter games. The Red and Blue armies have outputs located in an isolated box canyon called Blood Gulch, which is just the kind of map that you might find yourself in while playing the game. No real reason for being there, other than to set up a battle.
The show's greatest strength is its characters, who are a collection of clueless misfits bumbling around their artificial world finding new and interesting ways to irritate each other. Plenty of nerd based humor makes its way into the dialog and situations, which is funny even if you've never played a computer game. Each episode is a short couple of minutes, and you can watch most of them on the RoosterTeeth YouTube channel.
Enjoy!
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Posted by Adam Ruth on Mon, Jul 26, 2010
Photo by Tom Anderson
The Internet is full of successful protocols such as HTTP, FTP, DNS, SNMP, IMAP and myriad others. Let us not forgot those protocols that never quite reached stardom, or died right out of the gate. Here are the top 10 protocols that, for one reason or another, never made it mainstream.
10. HTTPf
Hyper Text Transfer Protocol fecure
Similar to HTTPS but everything is encrypted by converting to old English.
9. FCP
File Corruption Protocol
Never really found a practical use.
8. PIDP
Pornography Instant Delivery Protocol
Renamed HTTP.
7. CBDP
Caffeinated Beverage Delivery Protocol
Rejected after computer modelling showed it would require 132% of the world's aluminium resources to make the cans.
6. BFMP
Butter Finger Messaging Protocol
Problems with dropped packets spelled its demise.
5. VOAT
Voice Over A Telephone
Duplicated talking on the phone.
4. N411SS
Nigerian 411 Scam Service
A member of Nigerian royalty is still trying to get this one started, if he could only get some seed money.
3. RFTP
Renewable File Transfer Protocol
No different than regular FTP, but used exclusively by Hybrid owners.
2. PLPR
Priceline Packet Routing
William Shatner allows packets to name their own number of hops.
1. SJRDIP
Steve Jobs Reality Distortion Interface Protocol
Catastrophically fails if you touch the antenna in the wrong place.
There are many I've missed, so please share them in the comments.
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Posted by Adam Ruth on Mon, May 31, 2010
Photo by thefuturistics
We all get frustrated from time to time (yes, even system administrators.) One very common way that we let off a little steam is with a few well-chosen words. It's one thing to let loose with a string of invective that would make a sailor blush out of sheer laughter when you're alone, but it's just not good form to do it while sitting at a user's desk with them watching over your shoulder. That is, unless you want to go to that $&#@% HR sensitivity training again.
We're all familiar with the standard replacement curse words such as gosh, dang, flip, crap, and dagnabit. The trouble with these is that people know what you really intend to say so they lose some of their power. So, I present you with 9 good swears to use while working in a public space that will be mistaken for technical jargon, or at least the ravings of a harmless homeless person (I'm not sure which is better.)
1. PEBKAC
An acronym standing for "Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair" which refers to the user as the source of a problem. When pronounced it sounds somewhere just technically complex enough that people will generally be afraid to ask what it means.
Example: How did that file get PEBKAC'ed from the disk *and* the backup?
2. Bent Prong
Having had the experience of dealing with fragile prongs in serial and VGA cables over the years, for me this curse comes from a very dark place. The fact that it sounds vaguely dirty is a plus.
Example: This installer is really bending the prong.
3. BitBlt
Short for Bit-Block Transfer, this is a programming term relating to efficiently moving pixels around on the screen (or in an image.) It's a good replacement for minor frustrations, such as when you accidentally hit the wrong button or forgot to enter the system BIOS and have to boot the system again.
Example: Bitblt it, I did it again.
4. Twisted Pair
Refers to a type of wiring or cabling, most commonly network cables such as CAT-5. It's a great replacement when referring to a faulty component where you might say "piece of..."
Example: Why won't this twisted pair stay connected for more than five seconds?
5. Sum of a BIOS
This nonsensical phrase won't easily get confused like the more explicit "Son of a Batch." It sounds just slightly jargony to the point that most people will be embarrassed to ask its meaning because they think they should already know.
Example: Is that sum of a BIOS keeping it from running?
6. Reg Hack
This one is already somewhat of a curse, and you can use it literally and still get the full effect.
Example: Looks like it's going to need a reg hack.
7. Feldercarb
This one will only be familiar to fans of the original Battlestar Galactica, so most people won't have ever heard it before. It's less dangerous to use than its more popular cousin Frak. It also includes the word "carb" which is its own dirty word these days.
Example: That feldercarb is going to get me to viper all over my cylon.
8. SCSI Disk
Always a fun one among computer nerds since its introduction. Scuzzy Disk just rolls off the tongue. Even with its vaguely dirty sound, it's much more light-hearted than other swears.
Example: Well, if that don't just initialize the scsi disk.
9. SCO
For when you need some extra punch, SCO is one that really has some weight behind it. "Get the SCO out of here" and "Shut the SCO up" are not only good replacement curses, they're also quite meaningful in their literal sense. Plus, even when explained to the uninitiated they still won't get the full meaning.
Example: Why won't this SCO just finally end?
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Posted by Shane Corellian on Fri, May 21, 2010
Photo by quacktaculous
After a standard 22 hour shift of remote software deployment, getting medieval on UAC and completely wrecking the registry many System Administrators kind of create their own scent. If only Ralph Lauren could isolate the chemicals that our IT bretheren and sisters produce, an entirely new line of perfumes and colognes would spew forth. Here are a few potential products that come to mind as I recall the aromas of cluttered cubes and server rooms in my past:
- WMI Access Denied Mist - A rich blend of Green Monster and Cheetos. This cologne is known to leave an orange residue on your fingers and, subsequently, on your keyboard as you try and figure out the damn WMI security.
- Essence of Registry - Get lost in the blend of Outlaw Beef Jerky and Room Temperature black coffee (Folgers, of course).
- Infinity by Loop - This is the scent that, like that recursive sub-routine you wrote this morning, will never, ever end. The ingredients are a hodge-podge of Mongolian BBQ mixed with some Kimchee your co-worker swore that you'd love.
- Gamer by Gaultier - Oh yes, the cologne of gamers: Forget old-school BO and flatulence we now have Pizza Pockets and Natty (or whatever else your roommate has to drink in his fridge). Mix these ingredients with 3 day old skid marks and navel lint that the EPA now considers an official marsh and you have the perfect essence of the notorious Sys Admin Gamer.
- Hommes Taches de Traspiration (Men's Perspiration Stains) - This French cologne will ensure your legacy as the go-to-guy for all things BASH.
- Stallman by Richard Stallman (self-explanatory)
- LDAP by FCUK - The French Connection finally came through with a perfume that the ladies will love. Spritz this little joy on you at your next Microsoft Tech-Ed appearance and watch the booth babes weeping from loneliness as you run to the nearly deserted Women's restrooms to plan your ultimate exit strategy.
- UAC by Morgoth - This is the first cologne whose active ingredient is profanity. Trying to get that code to run as a service under UAC? This is actually a good starting point to play the Windows System Administrator Drinking Game. Mix in a 5th of Jack, some office violence and you have, UAC by Morgoth.
- Chamber of Halitosis by Tom Ford - Mix that 22 hour shift with in-N-out burgers, Cartesian Joins, chronic gingivitis and 7 straight years of abstinence and you have the ultimate Sys Admin aroma. Free, at no extra charge, you will avoid promotions into management, mandatory meeting attendance and, indeed, all human contact.
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Posted by Adam Ruth on Fri, May 07, 2010
Photo by joebeone
Okay, now you've got some servers consolidated using virtualization (you are consolidating servers, right?) But what do you do with the old boxes? Sure, you could donate them to a charity or recycle them in an eco-friendly way. But where's the fun in that? Here are some other ideas.
- Cubicle space heater.
- Fill with sand for large zen garden.
- Add realistic wind noise to flight simulator game.
- Glue front panels on fridge to hide beer in server room rack.
- Boat anchor for CEO's new yacht.
- Add some tubing, Mentos and Diet Coke to win contract for new fountain sculpture outside courthouse.
- Landscaping for new miniature golf course in old server room.
- Build vacation shack and show up that beer can house guy.
- Pizza warmer.
- Advanced new "laptop" for that guy in sales who's always making fun of your conference t-shirts.
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Posted by Adam Ruth on Fri, Apr 23, 2010
Photo by lautsu
I've just returned from the future where I spent my time playing with Windows Server 2045. I spent some time looking at other things, but I can't reveal them right now because I don't want to create a time causality loop (or whatever Star Trek called them) and I'll be keeping my stock tips to myself, thank you.
Let me just say that System Administration in 2054 is quite a bit different than today. (You read that right, 9 years after the release of Windows Server 2045 - some things never change.) All I can really tell you about is some of the improved tools Microsoft will be including.
1. Ping
It not only ensures that computers have a functioning network interface, but it will actually tell you when the interface will fail and why. Similar to "pre-crimes" in Minority Report this tool will display a red ball if the network interface is going to go down because a user changed something saving you having to ask the question when they call in.
2. Remote Desktop
Remote desktop now remotes the physical presence of the computer, allowing you to plug in peripherals, insert CDs, and apply asset tag stickers. It even works pretty well over slow terabit WAN connections.
3. Notepad
It's now also in C:\Windows\WINNT\Legacy\System256, making 15 copies.
4. Drive Mappings
Drive letter mappings have been extended from 26 letters to the entire Unicode character set.
5. Xcopy
The improved version of xcopy not only copies files from one location to another but now works with new DNA based files. It's not always free from mutation, however, and it spawned a new game where files copied back and forth between servers evolve into new formats. Particularly interesting results happen with certain *ahem* adult oriented image files.
6. Task Manager
Now displays bandwidth usage on psychic connections and includes physical as well as theoretical memory usage.
7. Windows Backup
The backup tool doesn't do anything, just to see if anyone would notice.
8. Firewall
Windows firewall can block connections based on the attitude of the user attempting to connect based on 7 configurable presets: Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, Sneezy, and I always forget the 7th.
9. Windows Update
It has an option to install patches every 30 minutes, which will throttle down patches from the default "install when available."
10. Network Connection Diagnostic Tool
It works.
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Posted by Adam Ruth, Shane Corellian, and Shawn Anderson on Mon, Apr 19, 2010
Photo by crosathorian
We've heard the screams of pain due to budget cuts in IT.
It's time to reverse that trend. So forget the bake sales or management dunking booths and let's go for some real coin.
Top 21 ways to raise money for IT.
- Help Desk line now a 1-900 number
$2.99/minute - Building Access Card works on first swipe
$115/month - Inbox size increase from 10MB (est. 2001) to 10GB
$25/year/inbox - Using 'Reply all' in email (per name in To:)
$0.25/instance - Using 'Reply all' in email (per name in cc:)
$1.25/instance - Using 'Reply all' in email where IT staff is in cc: or To:
$15/instance - Access to Marketing VP's 1.4 TB pr0n archive
$9.99/minute - Access to Marketing VP's pr0n archive (without IT watching through VNC)
$35/minute - Helpdesk having to ask "is it plugged in?"
$0.05/instance (estimated monthly revenue: $51,000) - Helpdesk sending someone down to actually plug it in.
$55/instance - Enable bcc: (per name)
$.10/recipient - Display bcc: recipients on email you received from your associates
Highest Bidder - Answer questions about home computers
$85/incident - Add URL to Proxy white list
$50/URL - Non-snide response to "but I didn't change a thing!"
$25/response - Discontinue remotely killing your solitaire games
$10/month - Discontinue remotely starting solitaire as your boss walks by
$49/month - Deploy software request fulfilled within 24 hrs.
$10/computer - Details of co-workers divorce wage garnishment
Highest bidder (plus a little something for HR) - Disable email Read Requests
Highest Bidder - My promise to NOT quote The Big Lebowski during help desk support request
Depends on mood
Perhaps Walter Mathau said it best:
"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more."
We feel your pain out there. IT has long been the whipping child of the bean counters. Speaking of bean counters, if they start bugging you, wait until their manager is standing by their desk and then use Admin Arsenal remote commands to open a website. Have some fun. Open it to monster.com or the company that's not Amway.
Cheers,
Adam, Shane, and Shawn
Follow us on Twitter: @AdamRuth @ShaneCorellian @ShawnAnderson
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Posted by Adam Ruth on Mon, Mar 15, 2010
Here are some small tidbits of information I've run across this week that may be of interest to you, the humble system administrator (
YMMV,
IANAL,
WTF.)
Photo by extranoise
An interesting blast to the past of Windows during the earliest of days. Written by Trandy Tower, the product manager over the 1.0 release. It's interesting to see how the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Windows had been announced the previous year with much fanfare and support from most of the existing PC vendors. However, by the time of my discussion with Steve, Windows still had not shipped within the promised timeframe and was starting to earn the reputation of being "vaporware."
It's still early days, but it appears that the European requirement for Microsoft to display browser alternatives in Windows is spreading the love around. Will it keep up, and if so, is it good for the industry? What about the really small players who don't get a spot on the screen? It may already be too late for them. An interesting experiment to keep eyes on.
The 50,000-plus Firefox downloads that have occurred via direct links from the browser choice screen are only a fraction of overall downloads of Mozilla’s browser, which can reach half a million a day across Europe, Mr. Lilly said. That total has not changed much since the Microsoft initiative began at the end of February, he added.
But Mr. Lilly said downloads could increase once more people received the choice screen. Microsoft says the system was tested first in Britain, Belgium and France but has not said how widely it has been rolled out elsewhere in Europe.
Count me in to the group of people who thought that the Internet wouldn't succeed in the mighty face of the walled gardens of online services. Or, at least, the group of people willing (or clueless enough) to admit how wrong they were. Some people, though, made their opinions known in print so they couldn't hide if they wanted to. This article from Newsweek in 1995 shows not only how common this view was, but it's a cautionary tale today for how wrong our predictions of technology can be.
Then there's cyberbusiness. We're promised instant catalog shopping—just point and click for great deals. We'll order airline tickets over the network, make restaurant reservations and negotiate sales contracts. Stores will become obselete. So how come my local mall does more business in an afternoon than the entire Internet handles in a month? Even if there were a trustworthy way to send money over the Internet—which there isn't—the network is missing a most essential ingredient of capitalism: salespeople.
If there's anyone who knows hosting, it's Google. And it's very instructive to see how they handle a major power outage. Their openness about what went well and what didn't is a benefit to anyone who has the ability to learn from the mistakes of others.
What happens when the power goes out at a Google data center? We found out on Feb. 24, when a power outage at a Google facility caused more than two hours of downtime for Google App Engine, the company’s cloud computing platform for developers. Last week the company released a detailed incident report on the outage, which underscored the critical importance of good documentation, even in huge data center networks with failover capacity.
We can all give a sigh of relief for good old Bill. I was worried about where his next meal would come from.
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