Photo by Molly DG
System administration has long been a magnet, attracting both talented and not-so talented people.
Here's a list on the latter.
7 signs that you've hired the wrong sys admin
7. Was sniffing glue behind his parents garage 2-weeks before getting his first help desk job.
6. Believes that token ring was something out of middle-earth.
5. Considers his old job running the Dominos Pizza ordering terminal as resume worthy.
4. Constantly bragging about his Novell certifications.
3. Uses the short A sound when pronouncing Java.
2. His bookshelf includes the 1995 Yellow Pages for websites book.
1. Proudly announces to the office that he has mastered the right-click.
Photo by thetechbuzz
Just about anyone can throw together a crappy top 10 list. But it takes a special level of uncreativeness to create a bottom 10 list. So, for that reason, I present the bottom 10 iPhone Apps.
3,235,168. Vuvuzela Mix-In
3,235,169. iEyeAIAyeArr (Artificially intelligent assistive device for the visually impaired pirate)
3,235,170. Spinning Beach Ball
3,235,171. Nuthin' But Ads
3,235,172. Broken Digital Clock (right only once a day, stuck in 24-hour display mode)
3,235,173. Arianne 5 Calculator
3,235,174. Playboy Text-Only Edition
3,235,175. The Fart App Catalog and Search Engine
3,235,176. Thelma and Louise turn-by-turn GPS
As a system administrator, when you are called to the 8th floor to show the one company hottie how to pull the plug out of her computer please take one piece of advice: Don't eat solid food while you're up there.
My experience shows that many Sys Admins seem to chew their food as if they are on the third round of taste testing peanut butter. If you must have an oral fixation on this service call, take a Coke, or water or, even better, a flask. For you Python heads, I'm not talking about YOUR type of flask, I'm talking about the real flask. The kind your grandfathers used to carry. The kind that stopped bullets and still held the whiskey.
We should go back to the days of flask. If you're lucky enough to work with a company that allows alcohol to be consumed on premises, then, well, you've already won. Take a nip and get back to work. For everyone else, go buy a flask, put some whiskey or Ouzo or whatever you want in there. You wanna look like a bad ass? Well, screw it. You're a geek... you're not going to look good. Well, actually, wearing an eye patch with your flask...hmmm, that might restore your reputation after your ass-cheeks shine forth like Cherubim when you're under a desk connecting all the cables. The flask\eye-patch combination will remind your co-workers that if they continue to screw up their computers they're going to be visited by the one-eyed curmudgeon with the flask. For women sys admins, don't worry, every guy you visit on a tech call is already emasculated without you having to don any props, let alone a flask. As far as women Sys Admins helping female customers... you'll probably run into the Queen Bee Syndrome. As a guy I'll tell you straight up... "yeah, you're on your own with that one."
Anyway, I digress. The flask represents Freedom. Not only does your flask tell your co-workers that its not all about them it tells them it tells them that they are lucky, NAY, blessed to have your attention, however fleeting, at this moment. You will get direct answers. You see frightened swallowing. You may even see beads of sweat. Harness their fear. You may also get a call from HR but that's another blog...
Yes, I carry a flask. Yes, I keep it filled with Jack Daniels. Yes, this next one's for you. Now pull your up those pants, close your mouth when you chew and for god's sake turn down .38 Special blaring on your computer. It's getting embarrassing.
I hope you all still have a daily diversion. Get on Cracked or The Onion or BBSpot or any number of humor sites. Hey, did you see this one from Cracked?
"Anybody remember when tattoos were for bad-asses? What happened? Everybody's got one now. Is there anything more unsettling than a quintet of dolphins jumping over a rainbow nestled in the heaving cleavage of your grandmother's Zaftig homecare provider?" - Dennis Miller
I'm generally a fan of Tattoos. Here are some links to some geek tattoos.
25 Amazing Tattoos for Computer and Internet Geeks
30 Geek Tattoos
Geek Tattoos on Flickr
While I don't have a computer related tattoo, I do have some geeky ones. Here are two of them.
Any South Park fans here? This is on my left calf. I'll send a PDQ Deploy shirt to the first person who correctly identifies the episode that this tattoo is taken from.
Dig The Dude? I toast you with my white russian.
The Dude Abides.
Follow me on Twitter @ShaneCorellian
Photo by Victoria Reay
Whether you're co-locating a server, using hosted e-mail, or riding the latest cloud technology, you need to make sure that your service provider can give you the goods. It can be tough to tell from the outside if the core is rotten, but there are a number of red flags to watch out for.
- Each invoice comes with a pre-emtive credit for future outages.
- Redunant servers are virtual machines running on the same computers they are backing up.
- Their web site requires Netscape Navigator version 3.12 or earlier.
- They request that if you're uploading a lot of data to mail in Zip disks.
- Backup power provided by stationary bikes hooked up to an electric motor.
- They ask you to pay in bearer bonds.
- Fire suppression is a set of cappuccino foam makers.
- When calling support you can hear an order being taken at a fast food drive-through... from the inside.
- The primary and backup facilities share a parking lot.
- Executives start every conversation by invoking their 5th amendment rights.
- You salesperson refers to his Motorola DynaTAC phone as a "Blackberry."
- Server room cooling is handled by a ceiling fan and a sun roof.
- Option 1 on the automated phone system is to "serve papers."
- Their tech support web page is a link to Google.
I came across a pretty good YouTube channel featuring PowerShell videos. I haven't finished with all of the videos yet but I dig this guy's (Don's) style. I wish the video examples were a little more magnified sometimes but otherwise I'm quite pleased. Definitely check them out.
When you have an obvious language barrier with someone you work with never, EVER, listen to them and just nod your head. In fact when you don't understand a damn word they're saying, violently shake your head and mutter "oh, HELL no". You'll thank me.
If you're getting ready to add a feature to a script or a program make sure to ask yourself this question: What is the real benefit I get from adding this feature? Seriously? If you can't come up with a semi-literate answer, scrap it. Toss it. Move on. You'll thank me.
Sluffing. Hookey. Skipping. Truant. What did you call it when you missed school? Remember how you'd get in trouble for missing that class or even the entire day of school? Well try sluffing a meeting or two at work. If there are more than 6 people in regular attendance at your meeting, skip one every now and then. If there are more than 15 people then count your blessings and have your make to miss ratio come in around 1:5. You'll thank me.
I don't understand why so many computer geeks get upset at how our industry is portrayed in movies. Let the beliefs live on. I'm happy that my family thinks I can create a network connection between my mac and the aliens that are on the way down to earth. I finally look a little cool. I'm pleased that my extended family all think that I can blow crap up by just hitting a few keys on the keyboard. It keeps them in enough awe that I can cut in line to get the best Bratwursts and potato salad at every reunion. Just sayin' is all.
Follow me on Twitter @ShaneCorellian
Photo by Jeffrey_Allen
Last week I put up my New Year's Resolutions. Well, that's not enough for me. I also need to tell other people what to do. So, I decided to create a list of New Year's Resolutions that my coworkers should follow. You may be able to see some of the same needs in your workplace. If so, feel free to add them to your wishlist.
- If you're going to eat at your desk, please reconsider last week's vindaloo leftovers.
- Think of the Reply All button like a grenade: Use it rarely and consider the damage to those around you.
- Backup procedures are not something to think about only when a restore is needed.
- Proofread your emial.
- Try plugging it in.
- Not laughing doesn't always mean that I didn't hear your joke.
- Perfume is not a weapon.
- Seriously, that may be pepper spray.
- "It's not working" is simply not enough information.
- Get your own blog idea.
Photo by Eileen Goodwin
You know how one has license to say anything bad about another person so long as the observation ends with "bless his heart" (modify pronoun appropriately)? Well, I thought a little common sense should be applied to Adam's New Years Resolutions post especially considering that Adam is suffering under more delusion than usual, bless his heart.
Adam: Write at least one source code comment per month, whether the code needs it or not.
Common Sense: Oh c'mon. I say you double your total number of comments. (2 x 0 is still 0)
Adam: Clean my keyboard.
Common Sense: The solvent has yet to be invented, let alone available for civilian use, that could even begin to clean that thing.
Adam: Replace keyboard since the only thing making the contacts work is years of grime.
Common Sense: Why must you disparage grime?
Adam: Finally give that poor, illiterate kitten I keep seeing online a cheeseburger.
Common Sense: Put it on the Todd Margaret kitty food plan.
Adam: Empty my computer's trash folder.
Common Sense: AKA - Zeroing out your disk
Adam: Come to terms with the loss of that one file I had in the trash folder that wasn't backed up.
Common Sense: You mean the one titled alt.bin.sex.plush? You'll never get over that one, bud.
Adam: 2 words: Learn to count.
Common Sense: Marked improvement. Well done.
Adam: Create my own Internet meme by "accidentally" posting an embarrassing video of myself online.
Common Sense: We'll believe it is an accident if this time you don't set up mirror sites to handle the expected bandwidth.
Adam: Vociferously deny that because my embarrassing video was posted last year so it doesn't qualify.
Common Sense: Just delete the comments...it'll make it appear new.
Adam: Say no to a relative needing assistance with their computer.
Common Sense: You see, you got too aggressive. You've just set yourself up for failure. Too greedy, man.
Adam: Who am I kidding, keep helping relatives but be a little whinier about it.
Common Sense: *nods supportively*
Adam: More stridently lobby the government about general lack of flying cars.
Common Sense: How about, "only get two DUI's this year". Start out small, brother.
Adam: Celebrate one month of World of Warcraft abstinence by going on a raid (repeat every month.)
Common Sense: Sooo, business as usual? I'll bring the Hot Pockets.
Adam: Fix something that ain't broke.
Common Sense: I believe this was already covered in admitting you'll help relatives with technical assistance.
Adam: Finish work early at least once and see if there really is a glowing orb in the sky during the day.
Common Sense: You'll just end up worshiping it. Stay inside. Please, for the love of my god, stay in doors.
Adam: Never again be caught without a good blog post idea.
Common Sense: Hear Hear!
Photo by Linh_rOm
I swear it, this year I'm going to keep my new year's resolutions. Every single one of them. I promise. In order to help myself succeed, I'm going to publish them publicly so that I can be mercilessly mocked if I don't achieve them.
Here they are, in no particular order.
- Write at least one source code comment per month, whether the code needs it or not.
- Clean my keyboard.
- Replace keyboard since the only thing making the contacts work is years of grime.
- Finally give that poor, illiterate kitten I keep seeing online a cheeseburger.
- Empty my computer's trash folder.
- Come to terms with the loss of that one file I had in the trash folder that wasn't backed up.
- 2 words: Learn to count.
- Create my own Internet meme by "accidentally" posting an embarrassing video of myself online.
- Vociferously deny that because my embarrassing video was posted last year it doesn't qualify.
- Say no to a relative needing assistance with their computer.
- Who am I kidding, keep helping relatives but be a little whinier about it.
- More stridently lobby the government about general lack of flying cars.
- Celebrate one month of World of Warcraft abstinence by going on a raid (repeat every month.)
- Fix something that ain't broke.
- Finish work early at least once and see if there really is a glowing orb in the sky during the day.
- Never again be caught without a good blog post idea.